Living inTwo Time Zones

IMG_8533        A late September afternoon, I am walking home through Volunteer Park, past the playground, quiet as expectation now that children are back to school.  Swings, slides, and sculptures for climbing stand silent midst a leaf-spotted lawn that borders Seattle’s historic Lakeview Cemetery.  A chain link fence separates a high swinging child and rows of manicured tombstones, many erected in homage to the settlers who first populated our city with Gold Rush, timber-eager adventurers.  Pausing before a limp swing lit with early autumn light, I am back seventeen years, lifting my toddler grandson into the swing, then swooshing the boy and swing for a high cemetery view.  When both of us are ready to proceed to the slide, my grandson tells me, “I know, Nana, how all those people died.”

“How?” I ask, accustomed to his surprising perceptions.

“All those big stones fell on them.”

IMG_8534Well into my grandson’s nineteenth year, I have retold that story to my grandson and the entire family, so it is a chapter in our book of family humor and nostalgia.  However, this morning, the passive swing not only reminds me of the funny story.  I actually feel his three-year-old self is forever in that swing.  Were he to ask, “Nana, push me,” I would not be surprised.

Here in my seventh decade, many of my waking moments exist in multiple time zones.  It is a multi-tasking of the mind.  I am here at my computer typing away at this blog, while I am simultaneously surrounded by humming electric typewriters in my high school keyboard class, learning to use ten fingers to travel between adjacent keys.  I am in that 16-year-old body.

Is living in multiple time zones common?  If so, is it more common with older people?  This capability to exist mentally in various places at once, is it unique to humans?  Is it the same thing as memory?  Of course, memory is essential.  IMG_1786Don’t tell me animals live only in the present with no vital memories.  When it is time for us to go to our cottage, and we take out the cooler from the basement, our cats disappear.  They know the cooler means travel, equals kitty carriers, equals confinement.  We must put them in their carrier before even thinking of fetching the cooler. Yet remembering and simultaneous existence are not the same.

The brain has many rooms to visit, and with age, I find the doors are often left open.  For about five years, every month I visited Florence Cotton, a long-time member of our church whose age and infirmities prevented her from attending services.  In her 100th year, she acquiesced to moving into an assisted living home.  Because I asked how she liked her new residence, she told me that there were many programs there she wanted to attend; however, she often missed them for falling asleep in her chair.  A woman who always sought the bright side of disappointments, Florence went on, “But it isn’t all bad.  Even though I sleep many more hours now, in my sleep I visit friends and family I had forgotten I knew.  They show up just the way I knew them at a certain time of my life.”  She savored her time travel.

Simultaneous existence can also be painful.  My friend Molly tells me about the day she got up to go to school and found no breakfast waiting, but her mother crying. Her beloved brother died in a car accident while young Molly slept.  Decades later, remembering the day with another brother, she said they both began to cry, feeling again their loss as if for the first time.

For me, time has never been linear.  IMG_8610It circles around itself like a whirlpool in a pond, gathering newly dropped leaves as it turns.  We are brought back around as we proceed forward. Have you heard the declaration, “I don’t want to go there?”  I have.  The sentence suggests a benefit to burying the past.  Understood, as a way to avoid adversity, but today I am thinking that having lived through so many experiences with so many people, I am in a position to live in two or more places at once, and thus able to be more empathic with others who may be experiencing something for the first time.

H.G. Wells, and other futuristic writers, embrace time travel. It isn’t a space ship experience where we go to the moon and beyond.  Time travel  is a ferris wheel circling in the amusement park of life.

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The Widow in Winter

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When companionship comes in the hum of the Frigidaire,

Sarah spills a mound of dough on a board

swathed in flour as fine as the frost

on winter windows waiting for mid-day sun.

That noonday will bloom over her backyard,

low in branches of the persimmon tree

where feeders hang like pendulums for chickadees.

 

Here the dough waits for her palms pushing

it into submission, her hands and the yielding dough

in an agreed upon attraction.  It wants to rise

slowly as an old hound, having curled within

its nest of a bed, yawns itself to life.

And the loaf she forms, it too knows

her longing for crusts and butter melting.

 

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January 2019

 

 

 

 

TRADITION

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We do something on a regular basis and call it habitual.  But when does Habit become Tradition?  Tradition is an aggrandizement of Habit that brings people together.  When my daughter was eight years old, she asked that I bake for her birthday the same cake her friend Katherine’s mother made for her.  Winnie Sperry, known for her famous Mother Sperry’s Plum Pudding, made a birthday cake that requires four hours to finish. Even so, this year as my daughter turned 49 years old, I made that cake again.  Once during her 14th year, I thought I would save time by making from scratch only the frosting, then using a yellow cake mix instead of the 5 eggs, 3-times-sifted, everything-at-room temperature recipe Winnie used.  My daughter, clearly disappointed, complained, “Mom, how could you?  That cake is our Tradition!”  All it has taken over a lifetime with our daughter is for her to announce something is Traditional, and it might as well be etched in stone with gold-leafed letters.

December, including Christmas and Hanukkah, is weighted with traditions.  We can easily trace traditions from lighting Menorahs or evergreen trees to Black Friday sales following Thanksgiving.  Yes, some traditions have more luster than others. And we cannot judge Traditions by reason as much as a by familiarity.   DSC_3128.JPGToday, some may be frosting cookies to set on a plate by the fireplace for when Santa descends.  The custom may continue each year, long after the children have left for college.  Many families either follow established traditions or stumble on to their own, without realizing a little habit or ritual grows like a child whose appetite wants feeding.

For many Traditions, a new one may hang like a leaf on the branch of an established one. Take Christmas cards.   In the early lean years of our marriage, we decided to join the card tradition by making our own.  My husband graduated with an MFA in printmaking, and the heavy steel presses lined up waiting to be used in his basement studio.  DSC_4211Influenced by the etchings of Rembrandt, Allan drew an elysian image of a descending angel, etched it in a metal plate, and ran twenty-five original prints for those to whom we wanted to send our Christmas greeting.  We made no commitment to ourselves or to others that there would be another the following year.

Over forty years later, this week we are sending out four hundred original prints.  As the recipient list lengthened, my husband moved to silk screened prints.  He completes a watercolor painting of his image.  Then he cuts a stencil on a film for each separate color.  There are several pigments.  Next, he runs each color on every card, layering the stencils as he goes, and hanging each to dry between colors.  In the early years, as he pulled each color, I would run the card to a drying rack.  We were still under a hundred cards then. Recipients collected them, made special Christmas books for their coffee tables with a new page for each year’s card, framed the cards and hung them in their homes.  Every time I climb the stairs from the first to the third floor of my friend Loui’s home, I follow the framed cards she has hung in increments along the stairwell. It is like climbing our history. DSC_4192Inevitably, we needed to trust the reproducing work to a professional with a large studio.  Allan still creates the image and cuts the stencils before passing on the stencils to Tori, our third professional printmaker.

In the twelfth year, as I admired Allan’s watercolor of ducks on a frozen bay, I told him, “This one reminds me of a winter solstice poem I wrote.”

“Why don’t you copy it and include it with the card?” he suggested. Shyly, I included Winter Solstice on Quilcene Bay.  Our friends liked getting a poem with the print, and so . . .  fifteen years later, my poem, Thin Spaces, accompanies this year’s print.

More than a repetitive practice, Traditions can be the creative force in a marriage.  I don’t know when Allan first thinks of next year’s image, though he starts on the watercolor between October and November, getting it to the printmaker to allow her a few weeks’ work. I wait to see the watercolor, sit with it for a bit, and let it take me where it will.  I never ask him what he intended.  I don’t tell him what inspiration ignites me.  Here we are separate creative entities.  It may not be apparent why this poem and this image would be in the same envelope;  however we ride this Tradition on different horses set out for the same horizon.

As much as making that birthday cake for my daughter, our Christmas card, like any tradition, requires time.  In addition to old friends and relatives, our list includes my Bible Study group, Allan’s basketball buddies, our neighbors to whose mailboxes we hand-deliver the cards on Christmas Eve. DSC_4207Then there is the Washington Athletic Club group.  What started as a small gathering of early-morning athletes celebrating a Holiday Season breakfast, grew to sixty strong.  Gordy dresses as Santa.  After handing out our cards, Allan describes the artistic process, and acknowledges the fellowship of starting each day with a workout among friends. I read the poem aloud.  Each year, we wonder if maybe we should forego the task of contacting catering, renting a room, taking sign-ups in the locker rooms.  But each year, club members ask, “What is the date of this year’s breakfast?  We love that tradition.” Suspending a “Tradition” can feel like desertion.

Within a weekend or two after Thanksgiving, my husband and I turn up Christmas music and sit down at the dining room table, one across from the other, while we address, write notes, and slip those cards and poems into envelopes for mailing.  As tired as we are with that long sit, we are also remembering each recipient, sometimes sadly erasing the names of those deceased. We smile when a friend’s name takes us back to those early years when not having a lot of money to buy Christmas cards, we started a new Tradition and made our own.

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            Thin Spaces

The space is thin

where heaven and earth meet,

shallow as an ebbing tide.

 

Thin is winter wakening

beneath diaphanous snow

on hills seen through leafless limbs

of an oak planted in hopeful spring.

 

Thin is that hovering hush

before the raven calls,

a cry we know will come

with the returning tide.

 

The year divides itself in half,

speaking in a space without words.

Mary Kollar

           December, 2018 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What Remains Hallowed on Halloween

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Nostalgia is the Achilles Heel of septuagenarians.  Discussing anything, but especially holidays, people expect you to start out, “Well in my day ….”  True, some of us start every sentence that way, even without expectations. Nonetheless, nostalgia has its literary value, so let’s talk about Halloween, in my former days and today.  What endures in this one-day celebration of gluttony and horror?

I think it was back in the 60’s when some misanthrope put a razor blade in an apple meant for trick or treaters.  The media spread the story, and almost overnight folks handing out treats for Halloween abandoned homemade delicacies for foil-wrapped, all-the-same versions of mass market chocolate. IMG_7368 How many Snicker Bars or Peanut Butter cups does one child need?  Does any child remember what house gives out Milk Duds and which Nestles Crunch?   Little distinction, even less distinction in flavor or freshness.  Super markets shove bags of Halloween candy on their shelves in late August.

As a child in an Appalachian college town (1950’s), I was rarely lucky enough to be given a candy bar.  There were no mini-wrapped versions, so if someone were to give out candy bars, it would be a whole Hershey’s that could set the host back a nickel each.  Instead, mothers baked cookies the week prior to Halloween.  Cookie cutters shaped the shortbread dough into pumpkins, ghosts and witches.  Orange frosting added authenticity.  Mrs. Cooper, the wife of the Geology Dept. chair, made caramel popcorn confections the size of little cannon balls.  She wrapped each in waxed paper, the tops twisted and tied with orange curling ribbon.  They were my favorites. New neighbors, the Theopolis family, lived in a brick house down a side road yet to be paved in the new housing development.  I wonder now who clued them in about the Treat or Treat custom.  Someone did, for when we walked tremulously down the unlit drive, Mrs. Theopolis greeted us with true Greek hospitality. In each held-out hand, she placed a baklava, warm and dripping with honey, a clove stuck in the top like a fragrant toothpick.  We thanked her, then ran gleefully down her driveway to where the ornamental persimmon trees grew.  UnknownBelow them we dumped the unfamiliar, and therefore suspect, sopping honey confection.   My adult self longs to return to the front door to be given a second chance.    From many houses we got apples, always apples, barely welcomed in our greed for sweets. Mom separated them out from our Trick or Treat bag, parsing them out for school lunches.  She also saved the nickels given by those unprepared to bake.  Once there was a quarter among the change.IMG_7366

As for costumes, we never ordered anything more than a simple mask from a department store.  Costumes were important, very important, our chance to try on a fantasized identity.  But costumes had to be assembled. First stop was the linen closet, where we pawed through old sheets, feeling which were thread-bare so Mom would let us cut ghost eyes, or drape ourselves like Roman senators who would return home, our togas dripping inches of Virginia’s red clay that would never wash out.  My mother encouraged me toward girlie costumes, to dress me as a princess or Snow White.   Yet having two older brothers, I wanted nothing less than finally to get to dress like a boy.  No Dale Evans for me, when I could be Roy Rogers.  121498191-1024x1024I borrowed my brother’s leather cowboy vest, redolent with his own sweat that I identified with horse flesh.  His cap gun hung heavily from my non-existent hips. If I were lucky, he would share a red roll of caps, their explosive pops filling my lungs with sweet sulfur.

Bunching in cadres of siblings and friends, little ghosts, goblins, and a few witches with broken brooms, swarmed across vacant lots and between new homes set in spindly landscaping. The screams of banshees drifted over the dewberry fields: wait for me . . . Mama said you have to …you’re too slow … I told you that gun was too heavy for you … let’s not go there … let’s do . . . I will if you will.   Groups of other kids ran in and out of sight.  In spite of their disguises we guessed who they were, meeting up under one or two street lamps that offered the only light other than the moon. Like thieves, we exchanged our targets thus far:   the best places to hit up — who gave more generously — who already turned off their porch lights.  Each year, there was the thrill of unknowing in a custom as familiar as home.

Halloween 2018 feels more packaged.  The 30 to 40 children who climb up our front steps are costumed in child-sized versions of super heroes.  The costumes are purchased, so one Ninja looks identical to the one a few minutes earlier.  CIMG3768It is only an occasional child, usually a young one, who has changed identity for the night, who growls like the furry beast it is.  I long for role-playing, for the ferocious tiger who will dare me to open the door wider.  I hold out the wide wooden bowl brimming with mini Snickers and Tootsie Pops.  Each year the packages shrink, but the kids don’t seem to notice.  Their plastic pumpkin carriers are brimming with replicas of what we are giving.  Over their shoulders, the little monsters thank us as they race back down the stairs to the sidewalk where an adult or two waits to escort them to the next house.  As they secure their children’s sticky hands, does their tongue remember the taste of their own childhood?    Gone are the days when children ran out the front door as soon as dusk swallowed the maple trees, to tag along with older siblings, combing the darkening streets until the soiled pillow case, filled with treats, weighed them down. Then it was time to return home to parents, unconcerned about absence after dark, sitting by a lamp reading until their costumed children had played out their one-night characters and were ready for sweetened sleep.

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